


Happy New Year, Billiam

by Anonymous



Category: American (US) Actor RPF, American (US) Writer RPF, Saturday Night Live RPF, US Comedians RPF, american us director
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Romantic Comedy, Shameless Smut, and FUCKING AFTERWARD, guys these two are serious now, like that is my dream relationship, they're watching Academy screeners together, ymmv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:31:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22051501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Our favorite fake Hader-centric couple have a few days to fuck around close to New Year's Eve. And, my dears, FUCK AROUND THEY WILL.
Relationships: Bill Hader/Original Female Character(s), Bill Hader/You
Comments: 1
Kudos: 53
Collections: Anonymous





	Happy New Year, Billiam

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OverOnTheBench](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverOnTheBench/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Goodnight - Stay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16239089) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



> I am STILL working on the vacation fic, but this is my New Year's gift to you all. LOVE YA, Hadernation! BTW, these cats live here:  
> Chapter 1: <https://archiveofourown.org/works/20693057>  
> Chapter 2: <https://archiveofourown.org/works/21304520>  
> Inspiration for all this: <https://archiveofourown.org/works/16239089>

It was absolutely perfect. She spent her holidays with her family, he spent his with his, particularly the kids. Plenty of quality Daddy time. And then, on the 27th of December, she got the text:

_Hey sweetheart. With the kids for a couple more days, but their mom is taking them to Disneyland for New Year. Wanna hang out in our underwear for a few days and do absolutely nothing?_

_Are you sure?_

_Oh I am completely sure. If Casey Bloys himself calls me, I will actually tell him to go fuck himself until at least January 2 nd._

_For me?_

_Just for you._

_You are a prince among men._

_I mean, I try… I try to pretend that I don’t try, but I try REALLY HARD. At least where you are concerned._

_I love you._

_I love you, (Y/N) Pack your bags. Lightly._

She landed at Bill’s place in the evening on December 30th. Takeout Chinese food was completely ignored, they fell into bed almost immediately and didn’t come up for air until about 3am, when they both drank about a liter of water each, kissed like fools for another 20 minutes, and then knocked out and slept like babies.

9am, December 31st.

“I’m starving,” she said. Poking him in the ribs. He grunted and raised one eyebrow, his face halfway off the pillow.

“Feeeeeed me, Seymour!” she squealed.

He face-planted back into the pillow, giggling like an idiot. Dragged his lanky ass out of bed, threw on a t-shirt and sweatpants and stumbled downstairs. She rolled over into the pillows, sighed, and just felt like gloating for one goddamn minute. _He’s blowing off everyone, for a couple of days…. Just for me._

“Okay,” Bill said, “These have been sitting on the kitchen counter all night, so they’re probably alright?” He handed her a carton of noodles with two chopsticks sticking out.

“There’s no eggs in these and no dairy, and no peanuts because I know you are a careful son of a bitch…”

“Naturally.”

“So we’re fine.” She took a giant mouthful of noodles, slurped them up with little to no grace while she pulled the blankets up over one exposed boob, and he giggled like a teenager. “Put some delightful old 40’s movie on that will make you and me both happy and hand me some clothes, asshole.”

(Y/N) divorced herself from her precious noodles long enough to pull on a shirt and pajama pants from her “lightly packed” overnight bag, and cuddled into Bill’s chest to watch _The Lady Eve_ (10/10, brilliant, would watch again even without cold takeout noodles and a warm Hader to snuggle up with), but after it was over… she couldn’t resist.

“Okay, dude… I see a giant pile of screeners over there that you haven’t looked sideways at.”

“Yeah… _why?”_

“Why?! Because _you should watch them_.”

“I already watched all of the good ones.”

“Yeah, I know, you watched _Parasite_ without me.”

“ _You said_ you were going to eat tacos and then see _Parasite_ with Tonya and Claire! You legit can’t hold that one against me, NO.”

She huffed. “Okay, fine. It’s really fucking brilliant though, isn’t it?”

“It’s _obscenely_ amazing. Bong Hive.”

“BONG HIVE!” She fell back into the pillows, threw her empty takeaway carton onto the nightstand, leaned over and planted a huge kiss onto his bare hip which was exposed because the motherfucker kept shifting around on the bed. Bill chortled, and caressed the side of her face.

“Okay. Just… let’s _not_ pick something shitty, alright?”

“Oh, I can’t promise you that.” (Y/N) scrambled off the bed, over to the chair where she’d dropped her purse the night before. She dug a quarter out of her wallet, strutted back over to the bed and nudged his nose. Bill looked positively petrified.

“We’re going to lay all of these remaining screeners out on the floor, and I’m going to flip this coin and wherever it lands, that’s what we’re going to watch.”

Bill winced as if someone was pinching his taint. “That is the _worst_ idea…”

“No, it’s the _best_ idea, and you love it, and you’re going to put up with it because you love me.” Completely confident in that statement, she leaned toward him, pressed her boobs against his chest and rubbed the edge of the quarter against his lips. He made a pissy face that dissolved almost immediately into a grin.

“You’re really lucky you’re so beautiful, you know that?” he said.

“I guess I’m alright.” She shuffled off the end of the bed and started arranging the screeners in a tile pattern at the end of the bed. Bill scarfed the last of the pork fried rice while she finished.

“No, but you _are_.” He nudged the small of her back with his foot and winked. And she almost fell off the edge of the bed, it was so fucking hot. _This asshole._

“WAIT… hang on, I forgot your present.” He grabbed her by the hand as she placed the last disc on the floor, dragging her downstairs to the kitchen. When they got there, he grabbed a grocery bag out of the corner and produced a pitch-black bottle from it.

“Bruichladdich!” she exclaimed. “Fucking hell, this is the _really good stuff_. Aww, dude!”

“Yeah, it’s the thing that you said.”

“Come on idiot, it’s not that hard to pronounce. Brook-Laddy.”

“Sure. Look, you know I don’t really drink, but I bought this for YOU because I know you love it.”

“No, but you’re going to drink at least ONE dram with me…”

“Ugh, no, this is peer pressure…”

“Okay… _honey_. No, I refuse to be _that bitch_ ” she said, pulling two juice glasses (the man doesn’t own shot glasses) from the cupboard, “I’m not going to force you. I’ll have a dram, and IF you want to, you just take a teeny sip and tell me what you think.”

Bill rubbed his eyes. “Fine, sure. Hit me.” She poured herself a full dram, and poured him a miniscule sip. They clinked glasses, and drank.

She watched his face for a reaction. “Well?!”

Bill put his glass down on the counter and gave her _that face_. That face that was obtuse and hilarious and sexy all at the same time. (Y/N) took another sip and tittered and said “Oh, come ON!”

“You want to know what this is like?” he said. “This is like that time after… I think it was the 5th or 6th SNL after party? And there was this girl there. And this girl was _gorgeous_ , and I’m just saying, I was a total fucking idiot and I still probably could’ve had that in a second. But Maggie and I were engaged at that point so… yeah, that was _NOT_ going to happen. But she talked my ear off for hours, and for some stupid reason, at one point we started talking about drugs. And I admitted to her, no man, I’m a lightweight… I was a serious cigarette smoker at the time, and I’d been stoned several times, but that’s it. I’ve never tried anything else. And then she starts going off about ecstasy and mushrooms and allllll of this other shit… and then she gets onto cocaine. _What?!_ And she basically says “I went to a party on the Lower East Side after a Strokes concert, and someone gave me coke, and I tried it…. And I immediately said “I’m never doing that again.” And I asked her why, and she said “In that moment, I had a sudden clarity that told me “If I take one more snort of that, I’m going to be addicted, it’s that good.”

Bill pushed the last drop of Scotch back across the counter toward (Y/N).

“I can’t drink that again. It’s too good.”

Her face melted, and she loved him so much in that moment. And she respected him because she knew he didn’t give a shit that she _did_ enjoy it, and he wouldn’t ever begrudge her that.

“I seriously respect you for that, homie,” she said. She downed his last drop, and chugged the rest of her dram (Which you should never do, especially not with the $350 a bottle _good shit_ , but god dammit, the boyfriend isn’t into it, and also it is officially New Year’s Eve now, so FUCK IT…) 

“You ready to do a coin toss?”

He sighed. “Not really but, ohhh to hell with it. Let’s go.”

They charged back up the stairs, fell into bed (him on top of her, like a big ol’ Bill blanket) and on they went.

“Okay,” she reminded him. “We _have_ to watch whichever one this ends up on.”

He shook his head, giggled, and kissed her neck. “Just stop talking about it and get it over with, please.”

(Y/N) flipped the coin… maybe a little too hard… and it flew across the floor past the spread of screeners and landed in one of Bill’s Stan Smiths. He smacked her on the ass and giggled like a child.

“Oh, okay, so we’re going to watch MY SHOE.” Bill grabbed it off the floor, sharply cocked one eyebrow and walked over to the BluRay player, tapping his sneaker against it like a goofball. She rolled over onto her back and laughed her ass off.

“Um, Madame,” he said in some kind of ridiculous Eurotrash accent, “I don’t think this _cassette is the right format_ ” Tap. Tap. Tap. (Y/N) tittered and leaned her head sideways against the mattress.

“Gimme the goddamn quarter so we can try again.” She grabbed the screener copy of _The Rise of Skywalker_ off the floor (Let’s face it, they weren’t going to watch that one) and chucked it at his face. He flinched, made a pouty face, handed her back the quarter and slipped back into bed beside her.

“Okay, this is it. Hold onto your butt, honey”

She flipped it. It landed.

“Oh no,” Bill exclaimed. “NO, no no, I refuse.”

“Oh no you don’t, honey.” she said, picking up the disc off the floor. “Sorry, babe. _CATS_ IS HAPPENING.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t, you _adore me_.”

I mean… let’s be real, 20 minutes into that movie, (Y/N) didn’t even adore _herself_ anymore. Jesus, it was bad. It was a crime against cinema. They couldn’t turn it off fast enough. Except, now it was almost 1:00 in the afternoon…. _whatever will they do with the rest of the day?_

Bill had already figured it out. The second (Y/N) had clicked off the TV and fell back into the pillows, he was already pulling her pajama bottoms off…. _Oh shit._

This was her favorite. Her _absolute favorite_ … there was _no_ legit reason to be quiet. They were entirely alone in the house, on an almost-holiday. But for some reason…. It felt right to be _quiet_.

There was just something about Bill… this goofy, loud AF whenever he wants to be, and _really_ loud in the sack when he wants to be, asshole… just going to town on her pussy _so softly_ … so quietly. (Y/N) just threw her arms back and surrendered. _Fuuuuuuck…_

_Hooooooly shit._

With the lack of any other sound in the house, the sound of him gently licking her was so loud it was almost obscene. (Y/N) shucked her t-shirt and started stroking her breasts, almost on instinct. Bill was relentless, pushing her thighs apart and diving face-first directly into her crotch. Gentle, so gentle… but getting louder… every… single… second…

“Take your fucking shirt off,” she breathed. He looked up, beautiful blue eyes meeting hers with a sneaky twinkle in them. She didn’t say precisely why, but she _really_ just wanted to see those beautiful, bare, broad shoulders between her legs while he did this. He obliged, in a heartbeat.

On, and on, and on it went… she pushed against one of his shoulders with her foot when he finally focused his efforts directly onto her clit and it was _almost_ too much. And he just grabbed her foot and kissed her arch, and placed it gently on his waist and _kept going_ … _too good. Too much. FUCK._ Her hand flailed and she grasped his hand, and he squeezed it as if either of them might die if he didn’t… her ass tilted backward against the sheets…. And he dipped his tongue so far into her she thought she might scream.

“billlllll…” _she didn’t want to scream_ … there was something so gorgeous, so sublime about this lonnnnnng, quiet bout of sex that honestly refused to be disturbed by a big, loud, angry orgasm. She tried, (Y/N) tried _so hard_ … but fucking Hader, he was just _too good._

That one last _swipe_ with the tip of his tongue, and she was done for. (Y/N) pulled the corner of the pillow into her face and _screeeeeamed_ bloody murder into it, and he leaned into her inner thigh, kissing her there and laughing his self-satisfied face off. And he kissed her again…. he kissed her _there_. And that mother fucker was ready to go for round two…

And then it happened.

His phone went off. And it wasn’t the normal ring tone. It was The Who’s “The Kids Are Alright.”

Shit. _The kids._

He turned to look at her, his curls dangling down over his forehead. The worst, apologetic look on his face.

_How dare you…. HONEY._

“NO…” she exclaimed, pushing him back against his shoulder. “Get out of here!” But not _angry_ … _never angry._ Just… _Don’t you dare ever put_ me _ahead of_ them _._

But _he already knows_. And that’s who he is, even if for 10 seconds in the throes of ecstasy, he forgets himself. Bill scrambles up off of the bed inside of 2 seconds, throws his clothes on and runs downstairs to take the call.

(Y/N) pulls herself together (sorta). Trying not to listen to the phone call that is happening at the foot of the stairs, because it’s really none of her business. She re-arranges the pillows. Turns the TV back on. Queues up one of her own personal favorites on the Criterion Channel.

Eventually, Bill makes it back upstairs.

“Good talk?”

“Oh, hella good, man.” They both giggle over his NoCal accent. “A _lot_ of shit about princesses, and yeah. They’re having a great time, they just wanted me to know.”

She crumbled a little bit. “That’s… precious.”

“Yeah, I guess it kind of is. They’re the best.” He sparkled with pride and then realized what she had queued up on the TV. “ _LADY SNOWBLOOD_?! Hot damn, bitch. You are _serious_.”

“Bet your ass I am. Hey….” She sidled up next to him in the bed and gently slid a hand down to his crotch. “You OK? I mean, after all of _that_?”

Bill smiled, like a _big smile_ , the one where his overbite fell over his bottom lip like it was diving off of NIagra Falls. “Yeah, babe. _For now._ Ask me after the movie.” He leaned forward and brushed her upper lip with his tongue; they shared the most perfect kiss.

“And I mean, we still have a whole fucking day tomorrow. Happy New Year, babe.”


End file.
